Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Let’s Be Religious: Biblical Perspectives On…

Sure is special to be put on the front page of the Fat Cyclist blog. I had my wife read his "The Allure of Never Shaving Again." I couldn't tell if she liked the post or the comments more. She was, as they say, in stitches. Them is people over there are amazing.

Welcome curious Fat Cyclist readers. I bet you didn't expect a bible story today. Fatty probably didn't either.

It was a three hour tour.

Once upon a time there was a little felt dude named Jonah, a big stomached little felt fish named Steve, and a big piece of blue felt which held fast the smaller pieces. (Does that sound biblical?) Jonah and the fish had a special relationship in that the fish housed Jonah for a few days while God tried to teach Jonah a thing or two about obedience.

What had Jonah done?

God had determined that the city of Nineveh would be given one more chance before total destruction would be necessary. God told Jonah to go to Nineveh to communicate this message. Jonah, thinking that Nineveh didn’t deserve a warning opted to head by ship to the white sand beaches of Joppa to get away for awhile; probably because God was stressing him out so much.

God is pretty good at finding out where people are, even without the internets. God made the sea all grumpy which seriously frightened most of the ship’s passengers, especially Ginger and Gilligan. The Skipper was pretty smart and had seen this sort of thing before. He was sure God was trying to send a message to somebody on the ship, and there was only one person still sleeping, so he woke up Jonah and asked him what was up.

Jonah agreed that Skipper was a very smart guy and volunteered to be tossed overboard so that God would quell the sea. The crew wasn’t really into seemingly randomly tossing people overboard but The Millionaire and his wife were raising a stink about the conditions so after a few more failed remedies they made Jonah walk the plank. Immediately the sea was calm.

(The Professor was remarkably cool during the whole ordeal.)

Rumor has it the SS Minnow would encounter a different storm on the way back from Joppa and this time wouldn’t fare quite so well. What happens in Joppa stays in Joppa I guess.

Jonah got swallowed by Steve and after a few days the little fish with the big stomach spit him out on dry land. God said again…go to Nineveh. So Jonah did. He told the people of Nineveh they had 40 days to turn or burn. Apparently they heard and understood the message and took serious action. If they hadn’t I don’t think Jonah would be as famous as he is today.

After that I think God should have put Jonah back in the fish because he was still all mad that God had spared Nineveh.

(…to be continued…)


Garrett said...

If you rewrite the entire bible in language like that I will buy a copy and use it exclusively... You can call it the minus-car version of the bible. opposed to the version of the bible that includes cars...

bsnycd said...

nope, didn't expect it. but i dig it, verily.

peddlinshutterbug said...

I won't sing the Gilligan's Island tune again in the same way!
on that note..When hubby and I bring friends on lazy Rails-to-Trails rides, we convince them to join us in a rousing round of the silly song. It generates humorous endorphins, breaks boredom, and EVERYONE knows the words! This outdoor tradition started when our kids were small, and corny campfire songs and stories. (until they turned into teenagers and we relished in embarrassing them in front of their weekend camping guests....(something about fresh air that transforms adults into children) It's great when 40 year old professionals are mooing at cows while riding bicycles. Admit it ... we've all done it....Now, when pedaling by a donkey in the field, you might hear the beast say, "On your left" ...... if your name was Balaam.... never mind.. that's another bible story...
enjoying the posts..

mytzpyk said...

All. I appreciate the appreciation.

Fatty? Was here? He left a comment? I'll never wash this monitor again. Maybe I'll leave my screen just like this and hope it burns into the tube.


bikingbrady said...

This reminds me of Rob Lacey's "Word on the Street" version of the bible:

Genesis 1:1-3

The Word on the Street :
‘First off, nothing. No light, no time, no substance, no matter. Second off, God starts it all up and WHAP! Stuff everywhere! The cosmos in chaos: no shape, no form, no function– just darkness ... total. And floating above it all, God’s Holy Spirit, ready to play. Day one: Then God’s voice booms out, ‘Lights!’ and, from nowhere, light floods the skies and ‘night’ is swept off the scene.’

I sense Google about to take a bunch of Rob Lacey hits...

Mike said...

We've got Rob Lacey's Word on the Street (an early print of it when it was still called The Street Bible). It's also available on CD.

We were lucky enough to see Rob perform the Street Bible live; the bible in modern language in 2 hours - highly recommended.

bikingbrady said...

miketually, I'm jealous...I didn't find out anything about Rob Lacey until after his death. Is the performance for purchase somewhere?

Mike said...

I had no idea he was dead.

We saw him at Spring Harvest in Skegness 2 years ago. I knew he'd suffered from cancer while writing the book, but he'd had the all clear.

Very sad news.